Scary News, by: Zayle

(I did just notice that the pictures never uploaded, from our Jamaica trip...I will try and fix this problem)
After I finished writing my last post, I finally received the call I had been waiting on from my OB. They said that my results were in, and that the doctor needed to see me immediately. I knew something was wrong then. They had told us we would receive our results from mail, or phone call...nobody ever said anything about us coming in. They scheduled us for early the next morning. That day we received some very frightening news. We did find out that, as I suspected, she's a girl...but she tested 90 out of 100% positive for trisomy 18. The news the doctor gave us that day was very grim. Babies with this chromosomal abnormality usually don't make it to full term, if they do, they die within hours or days. Only 10% of these children make it to their first birthday, but even then it isn't really living. Most have feeding tubes, never learn to walk, and have to have 24 hour care. There are cases of children living on to adulthood, but to me it's not really living when they can only say one word, cannot walk, and cannot eat on their own. To say that we are frightened is an understatement. On July 14, I go in to see the genetic counselor and to have an amniocentesis. This will tell us if those results from the test done were right, or wrong. I have read tons of stories about false positives on these tests, so even though the doctor said this test is 99% accurate, I still have faith in my little girl.
As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I have longed for this, and have especially hoped and prayed for a little girl. Now that my dreams have come true, I'm not ready to let them go. It is hard now going on with day to day life, but I have done the best to my abilities. I have kept hair and nail appts, as bad as I felt about going, I was encouraged to do so. The one thing that I have had trouble with doing, is being around large groups of people. I don't want the sympathetic stares, or anyone feeling awkward around me. It's also hard being around my husband. We deal with things so differently. He is more of a crier, and hugger, and wants to be around a lot of people. While I do not want to be around others, besides my family, and I want to stay strong and hopeful and not let myself get too down just yet. I want to believe that my little Vivienne, is going to be just fine. I want her to be healthy, and live out her life capable of enjoying it, and knowing what is going on around her. I know I will have to go on if there is something wrong, I'm a strong person and know that I can do it--but it will kill me. I have been through so many struggles in my life, which so many would never know, but I feel like this would truly break me. I won't show it, I won't let myself. But will I still have a heart? It's been chipped away at for so long, that I don't know that it will be there anymore. I'm afraid I will be a cold, hard person, with no love left to give. I know that God has a reason for everything, I just pray that there isn't a reason to take my baby away. If he does, I know one day I will be able to look back and know why he did it...but that doesn't make this any less scary.  I will keep the blog updated with any new news, and update on the workouts I am doing and how my healthy eating is going this week. Living life normally now, without stress, is the best thing for Vivienne right now, and I am doing the best I can.